WHEN “YES” TO LOVE CAN STILL MEAN “NO” – A Letter To My Daughter
– Excerpts from: www.ElevateiD.org The Invisible Distinctions , a book by Eric Erenstoft
I was thinking some more about what we talked about last evening and thought it would be a good idea to give you a heads’ up about what happens when we set boundaries with people who may represent having your best interests in mind, but upon closer review, really have only their own. A storm could very well be inbound and may erupt. If another’s intentions are not what they would try to have you believe, if they are only out for their for their own personal gain, even selfish or codependent, and you set a boundary, it may be necessary to brace for a bumpy road ahead. If they don’t get what they want, they will likely come at you with more intensity, desperation, and with deeper manipulation to try to get what they want. (Remember what I said: unconditional love can still sometimes mean ‘No’. Their responses may include a meltdown level argument, crying, accusing you of being a horrible person- and they may go deeper using all the things they learned and know about your honest nature and your willingness to be vulnerable. They may use these things to pull at your heartstrings, get under your skin, and make you feel guilty. They may say mean things and make stinging accusations. And for you, someone who is compassionate, loving, and truly cares about people, this may be very tough on your heart. This is the source of the anxiety you express to me that you feel during such times. More on the anxiety in a moment…
A few things to first ask yourself: If this person truly was supporting me and had my best intentions in mind, is this how they would behave? Is this how they’d treat me? Wouldn’t they be supportive and not try to make me feel guilty? Or is their behavior exposing their true intentions and nature?
My love, it WILL be challenging to hold the line and not give in- to feel bad and question yourself … “Am I a bad, mean person like they are suggesting?”, you will ask your Self.
The answer of course, with all my heart is No. It takes a while for people to adjust to change. They do not like it. They will fight it. It is in their nature. But you will remain strong and will win respect from them, and more importantly, for yourself. You will be better for it- and people with true intentions will support you like Mom, Me your sister and brother. The ones with the ulterior motives will not, and you will know why as you see them in their true light.
Now, your anxiety…
Anxiety happens when you have a powerful inner conflict- an inner struggle. For example: you know who you are- how caring you are- how compassionate you are- how sensitive and caring for other people you are. You know that as an ABSOLUTE certainty in your Self.
When someone you trust and care about brings forth or suggests the opposite of what you know yourself to be- when they bring these qualities you KNOW within yourself into question- and you doubt yourself- Anxiety results.
Your heart SO wants to believe the other person because you believe that unconditional love and trust requires believing them, even if it means having to doubt yourself. The inner conflict eats you up inside. My love, this is where your anxiety lives and thrives.
Setting boundaries and being true to your Self- being who you know yourself to be- will release your anxiety. You are a loving, caring, principled, compassionate human being- knowing this for certain while identifying the inauthenticity in the space, in another, and it will ease your anxiety. You will recognize it to be a projection of their fear and not a reflection of your love.
Saying “No” is not loving another less when it means saying “Yes” to loving yourself more.
You are my daughter – I love you. NEVER doubt your heart.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Eric Erenstoft , is a prolific author, futurist, entrepreneur, businessman, GenX’er who has emerged out of this brave new 21st century to disrupt the transactional way of thinking most people default to today when perspective is not properly illuminated.
If you understand the reference: IQ, and EQ, the establishment of a paradigm called The Genome of Elevated Consciousness expands the universal platform to include accessing our Conscious Intelligence. We do not see the world as it is, we see the world as WE are. Conscious Intelligence is the light that illuminates the path, not a path itself.
Conscious intelligence acknowledges that our paths are as unique as our own DNA, and the choices we make- including the choices we may not realize we have, are informed by our thoughts, beliefs, perceptions, experiences, memories, and circumstances. This lays in stark contrast to our path being informed by a prescriptive process dictated by transactional thinking made popular in our previous 20th century: Do this…and get that…. De facto, transactional thinking shuts out our access to conscious intelligence.
Conscious intelligence illuminates rather than prescribes. Our path is for us to discover, explore, choose, and navigate; The Genome of Elevated Consciousness is merely a brilliant torch that illuminates the Way.